Well it’s been awhile. Sorry to be MIA for so long. Where did we leave off? School has ended for the summer. I have my driver’s license and I’m madly in love with my car. I love the freedom that has come with this summer. I’m able to leave the house on my own time and long gone are the days when I had to wait on rides wherever I wanted to go. I’ll be a junior next year. Upperclassman. Kind of scary that things are moving by so so quickly. I’m getting (more) serious about looking at colleges and master/doctoral programs as well as what I want to do with my life. I think it’s funny how pressured people my age are to know exactly what they want to do when they “grow up”. Our society is so marathon-goal oriented. We want to know exactly what each person’s checkpoint will ensue. I hardly ever hold one of those casual, randomly seeing someone you used to know but don’t really anymore, conversations without being asked “Aye! Lookin’ at any colleges?” I give a smile and a non-committal answer and I’ve found that the conversations then usually lean toward “well you’ve got plenty of time to figure all that out!…kind of…” I know, I know. I have lots of big decisions to “figure-out”. I’m just relying on God to point me in the direction I’m supposed to take. But for now, I can relax. I have a month or so to take a break between rushing. I honestly feel that I’m at a good place in my life right now. Nothing huge is happening and that’s not a bad thing. I’m enjoying the ride while I try to figure things out for a bit. I hope that you’re taking time to do the same- enjoying the ride. Sometimes we get so much in the habit of “go! go! go! do! do! do!”, we forget to look around and watch the sunset.
So currently… There’s been some recent paintballs to the heart happening. I say paintballs because I don’t want to use the “bullet” analogy. That’s too strong (and serious… I’m kind of currently a die-hard Criminal Minds fan, in that I watch approx. 3 episodes a day) I’m saying paintballs because they hurt like heck but it’s not serious, and yeah it makes a huge mess but you’re wearing clothes that are fine to dirty up. That’s where I am right now. I feel numerous pings and stings but eventually it washes off. Bring on the washing phase, please! So I don’t want to say that I’m utterly downcast or upset. I’m just experiencing some paintballs. Can anyone relate? I was reading my Jesus Calling entry for today and it fits perfectly with this. I don’t want to fall into the self-pity trap as I so easily know I can.
Here’s the excerpt:
Self-pity is a slimy, bottomless pit. Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound.
Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shining down on you. Though the Light looks dim from your perspective, deep in the pit, those rays of hope can reach you at any depth. While you focus on Me in trust, you rise ever so slowly out of the abyss of despair. Finally, you can reach up and grasp My hand. I will pull you out into the Light again. I will gently cleanse you, washing off the clinging mire. I will cover you with My righteousness and walk with you down the path of Life.
3 cheers for Hope!! This isn’t forever. These feelings of being in the dark will be washed away by radiant light. Thanks be to God! But we have to look for that hope. Sometimes, although no one will blatantly admit it, part of us wants to be in the pit. We get some attention in there for a little while. It’s easy to make excuses while you’re in there. So, no, God isn’t just going to yank you out of there. You have to ask. You have to look up. Realize that your pit is not your home. You don’t belong there. You belong above ground, up here in the green pastures beside the still waters. May your soul be restored. I want to leave you with my favorite prayer by (are you allowed to have a favorite Saint?!) Saint Francis of Assisi:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen